“21 Guns”……

So, we finally ended it mutually although I never had the guts to bring it up myself.  We broke up the evening before what would be our official 2 month anniversary (really it was 10 weeks).  It’s kind of pitiful.  We both were so sure we could make it despite the long-distance and him leaving for the Navy.  In reality it just put us at each others throats.  Our relationship was eroding.  I think he expected that I would fight for our relationship and he was possibly oddly hurt when I didn’t.

Since then I’m not really sure where we are going.  In real life can anyone remain friends with their ex?  Yesterday he questioned me about what I did the night before because I mentioned I was up until 4am.  I never really directly answered him because it’s none of his business.  I know I will not ask anything about what he does.  I don’t want to know about him and his next girlfriend (who I really am sure will be the ‘friend’ he went to the beach with that night) or fuck buddy and I will never ask, but I also don’t want him asking me.  I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to hurt him and it really is none of his business;  but mainly I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to be held back by him.

I miss him as my confidant and friend and I know the former is something I won’t get back.  I’m seeing that even being friends is probably not going to work, particularly because of the fact that since we’ve broken up I’ve been far happier on the days I don’t hear from him.  I’m still trying not to regret that this whole ‘relationship’ started.

It’s kind of hard not to regret it though.

i know the world isn’t black and white but this is just too much grey.

A really good friend of mine pointed out that maybe I should just wait and see how things go.  He reminded me that there are a billion people in the world and he also reminded me that it would be better to find out something sooner rather than later.  He put the whole thing in some perspecitve although it doesn’t magically fix everything.

At this point I’m wondering how much the entire relationship is worth.  We had officially been dating 2 weeks when I left school and the whole thing became long distance.  That was May 18th.  Here it is now June 29th and there doesn’t seem to be much hope of seeing him soon.  I never really thought about this before.  I know once he is in the Navy it will be likely we will not see each other for quite a long time, but this summer I was sure I would see him sooner.

Since our argument/fight my best friend hates N and thinks he is the biggest douche ever (although she hasn’t met him), my sister is iffy on the relationship, and my parents pretty much hate him and think I should meet someone who will actually be around.  As he cancels for the weekend that he thought he could be here which was July 10th no one has anything nice to say.  I’ve been told, “obviously he doesn’t care about seeing you anytime soon.” His reason for not coming is money and more the fact that his tires are bad.  All the same I recently asked him about the tires and he was sure he would be fine driving here on them.

His plan was to come up here on July 10th and then get the tires on after the 15th with his new paycheck.  It sounded like it would work and I was looking forward to it and then today that changes rather abruptly.  The fact that he didn’t actually state that he couldn’t come, but instead mentioned that he was partying with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend (who is visiting that weekend) makes the whole thing seem like there must be another reason or that he really doesn’t feel like making the effort.

I know he has money problems and some big bills to pay, but at the same time this whole thing is rather depressing. Relationships are supposed to be for the most part enjoyable and I feel like this one may not be able to hold up to that.

double standard much?

N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance.  What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard.  I’ve known him and I remember him talking to him about the whole girl friend thing.  I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us).  His answer was a firm.  His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”

So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with.  They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008.  She had a boyfriend, she an N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store.  They went out to bars and hungout I guess.  Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real.  Purely for attention.  She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think.  That’s pure attention getting.  That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore.  N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think.  After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.

She called him with ex problems…  She single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl.  I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more.  If you’re reading this at this point you know what I mean I am sure.  So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone.  I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything.  Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.”  I was like what the hell?  “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?”  His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout.  She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.”  I was like hmmm odd…  Later I find that she is moving to this area to go to grad school in August.  Sounds promising.

I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems.  He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people.  I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person.  I don’t need him.  I don’t need his help.)  I of course was like okay… but it did bother me.  Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday.  When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm).  He texted me last and I stopped.  Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted.  He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work.  He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work.  I texted him and asked if he was back.  “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.”  Me:  “what are you two up to?”  Him:  “just hanging out”  Me:  “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…)  Him:  “at the beach.”

I stopped left him alone.  It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late.  It’s been nearly 4 and half hours.  I text him again:  “are you home yet?”  Him:  “No but leaving soon.”  Me:  “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.”  No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me.  The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.

Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance.  I haven’t seen him.  We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.

Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle.  I’ve been so mistreated but here I am.  It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly.  Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me.  Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common).  It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.

I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some.  I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it.  He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.

Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on.  Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.

Mucho bland-ness…

I’ve realized that where I live can be truly boring.  Now I’m not going to be a silly, melodramatic fool and say life is so horrid here, but I must admit I am used to a college town with fun bars and a bunch of other young people.  Being here is a large change and a lack of action.  Also, I miss my beloved roomie and my silly Catholic friend…  (and I miss N horribly although being back at school won’t change that one).

I know I shouldn’t complain.  Atleast I’m not stuck here 365 days of the year like one of my greatest friends, but at the same time life is bland.  I enjoy being home but its only been a month and it feels way longer.  Also, since I’ve had no luck finding a job I’m left with quite a bit of spare time despite reading, working out, and volunteering at the SPCA.  Basically life is just going on and here I am with nothing to say…

i just realized that if i don’t keep my doubts to myself i will probably just keep doing this self-destructive cycle on every relationship i have.

Crap!

a heart hanging by a thread…

So, life goes on.  Nothing too exciting.  I have spent a lot of time recently starting a new blog, but I can’t really leave this one behind.  Recently I’ve been really moody and I feel bad for my friends (including N even though he hasn’t actually been with me).

Also, this long-distance thing is getting hard and it has only been two weeks.  I don’t want to lose him and I care about him quite a lot, but at the same time I’ve been really stressed lately.  A lot of doubts have come up and I’m not really sure how to handle them.  I know he needs space and so do I but it’s still hard to give.

I don’t want to just trust someone (again) and have my heart ripped out and cut open (again), but I know trusting him is necessary in having this type of relationship.  I hate the vulnerable feeling trusting gives me.  It feels like a lack of control and I am unable to handle it even though he has given me no reason not to trust him.

I also don’t want to drive him crazy because it isn’t his fault that abandonment and my own vulnerability are my two greatest fears.

it has been 5 whole days….

annnddd I miss my confidant/friend now boyfriend, N.  Long-distance relationships are funny things and they are often hard to balance.  It seems like each person must call or text at the right time to remind the other that they are thinking of them.

On the other side of life I need to stop smoking.  If my parents had any idea they would die.  Plus it is unattractive and disgusting.  Kissing a smoker isn’t something I prefer to do, and I assume others feel the same, so I would rather not be a smoker as I enjoy kissing (okay not really my logic but yeah smoking is nasty).  Along with that are all the unhealthy side effects and the fact that I have allergies anyway.

I have 4 more cigs left and I am planning on not buying anymore.  Also, I am sure my friends are sick of me smoking when I am around them.  Out is the only time to smoke since I don’t have a job yet and live with parents.

Living with parents…. really doesn’t work.  Not sure how people stand it.  Especially hard after not living here, (at home) for more then 3 weeks, for over a year.

So… i just don’t get it…

how is it that the people who seem to love each other the least get along the best?  it doesn’t make any sense but it somehow happens.  i want to be one of those people.  its so simple and full of hate but it works…   very odd and i’m hoping to learn from it eventually.  so far all i’ve had is waste-of-life-relationships.  like the kind where you wonder why you are still in it………

The epitome of arrogant lives in my apartment…

So of all the dumb people in the world I may have the worst one living in my apartment.  My used-to-be-uber-smart-about-guys roomie is dating an asshole and when he got dishonorable discharge from the Navy he came to live with us.  On a stupidly drunken night my other roomie and I told her it would be fine (seriously a smart move to ask when drunk).

So, now he is here and we can’t stand him.  I probably dislike him more then my other roomie, as he has been rude to me and my boyfriend, as well, for no reason at all (particularly on my boyfriends part).  I don’t understand people like this.  Why be rude and not like someone when you hardly know them?…  Going out isn’t even that fun anymore because I’m always worried about what they are going to say or do next.

Possibly I’m letting them bother me too much, but this guy is an asshole.  Also, he is just living off of my roommate (he’s dating) anyway and she is too dumb to wake up and see that.  Besides this I’ve heard them twice now when he’s freaked out and been absolutely nasty to her (I mean horrid names and no respect whatsoever) and she is just like settle down and leaves the room.  Okay.  Good way to handle a fight/someone psychotic, but don’t date someone who calls you a…(really don’t want to write this in blog so I won’t).  Basically, how can she not wake up and see what a bum he is and how rude he is to her??

it was like two magnets.

I know I’ve said and written multiple times that I was going to stay away from guys and not date for about a year.  Then I spent time with my friend (its hard to count friends/confidants as guys that you should stay away from), and  I recognized that what we have is new from anything I have ever known.  I soon realized I couldn’t just let it go when he leaves, but I wasn’t going to say anything to him about it;  he’s my friend and I don’t want to pressure him because of my own silly emotions/feelings that I never imagined I would develop.

Eventually he brought it up.  The problem to the whole situation was that he thought it was unfair to have me waiting around for him for atleast 2 years not really knowing when I would see him again.  I don’t think it’s unfair to wait on someone you care about … quite a lot.  I told him that and we gently slid into a “relationship.”  So far it has been nothing but good.  I still feel like he is truly my friend that I can and do tell everything to.  I am dreading our parting and I am sure he is, as well, but I guess that is life.

Once again it is just seeing how things go.  Long-distance relationships are hard, but I think generally you find out very quickly if you don’t have what it takes.

“it only breaks into pieces and pieces”

Life has been busy and confusing.  Last week threw me off and I still haven’t caught up in this past week.  Although for the most part it’s been good.  I really need some time to write but just don’t have it now.

no high drama… but i’m feeling a little low

So, I am trying to revise a paper I did horribly on (like F horrible… other professors evidently handed out easy A’s — grrrr), and all I can really think about is my friend (from last post).  I wonder if there ever could’ve been more to us.  We were both single at the wrong time and then now he will be leaving in a few weeks and won’t be back next fall.  He joined the Navy as he is having money problems and paying for school became impossible.  He was going to enlist after he graduated, with some type of Engineering degree that would put him as an Officer (I think).  Anyway, now he will be gone for just about 6 years and I’m having a hard time getting my mind wrapped around that.  Basically right now I’m not really happy.  Not happy at all.  Losing people is hard no matter what.

a mind-blowing night…

I don’t even know what to say.  I heard from that guy, that likes me.  Randomly I got a cute text messge from him today.  I guess I am honestly interested in being friends with him.  I’m just not sure what exactly he wants, but he isn’t going to make or break any day of mine.

And then last night… mind-blowing sex with my friend/confidant.  All I can say is wow… we finally broke the sexual tension that we’ve had since we first met.  (At all the parties and places we went together people always thought we were something more than friends, although we never were.)

it was rather small…

Wow.  No matter what guys always get to me.  I have been loving life completely.  And then this weekend I met this guy.  We hungout twice and then tonight I was invited to hangout with him and his friends and he acted so completely different and like he didn’t give a crap about me.

It was the most boring pointless evening of my life.  He isn’t even the kind of guy I would normally be friends with.  Before he seemed interesting and tonight he was like your typical douchebag, super, boring kind of guy.  Evidently his ego is mucho inflated when he is hanging out with his guy friends plus me, a girl he was interested in at first, and it was lame.

Basically he reinforced my staying away from guys policy, which I have broken a couple of times.  I really just need a break and possibly a new state or maybe even country (ahh… planet if possible).  And thank god I did not have sex with this guy.  Had the opportunity twice (and was even trashed one time and still didn’t! woohoo!).  For some reason I  just didn’t feel into it and he was…. a little lacking to say the least.

birds are evidently awake at 3am (unless they chirp in their sleep…)

So as of right now it is 5:30am and I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 3am.  Sleep and I just aren’t getting along tonight at all.

Earlier today I moved my gimongous futon around in my room, moved an awkward nightstand and some other stuff.  Now it is all moved back.  I am tempted to go out eat some food, watch some telly but I don’t want to wake up the roomies although I probably already have with the furniture moving.

It’s really odd that I can’t sleep.  Today I went to the gym and did 45 minutes of some pretty hard cardio and then after that went with my sister and took our dog on a long walk.

For most of the night my mind has been churning away but only in the last half an hour did it turn to stuff that used to bother me.  Suprisingly it no longer does at all (this is probably a great reason to throw a party).  Right now life is seriously wonderful.  Friday night my roommates and I went out and had a ton of fun at a bar and saw some old friends.  I also invited my instant messenger therapist (”the guy who saved the world”).  We had a blast (yeah I did just say that).  Even though I am not 21 I drink a lot at bars (that I can get into that is).  My friends and I have devised sneaky ways (and sometimes far too obvious ways) for me to help them out with their drinks, and the one time a bartender did notice he just gave me a warning, so it works pretty well.

Well, this has been a completely crappy post and I apologize to whoever reads it;  and please if you just stumbled across this post, give me the benefit of the the doubt and go read atleast one other post.  I feel like most of my thoughts are completely incomplete and that, that may be showing through but anyway, I am awake and for once it isn’t because of a negative thought or feeling — life is truly good.